I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
