I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
