I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
