they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
