I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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