before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I think i got beer on your cat.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
