Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
