I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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