This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
this boner is exhausting
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
