names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
