I accidentally had phone sex last night
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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