He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
