i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
