Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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