I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
