I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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