I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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