Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
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