not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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