Taylor Swift is so right about you.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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