So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
