don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
