i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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