I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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