9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
This is my gift to your gina
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
