I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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