literally had 100 drinks last night.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
They took my balls.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
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