Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
