Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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