The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
