I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I need to sanitize my soul.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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