so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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