So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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