I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
