Will you blow on my dice?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
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He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
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Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.