a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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