I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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