is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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