When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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