your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
you never un-have a 4some
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
