The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
