evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I am naked and annoyed.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
