My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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