Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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