I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
