After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
