i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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