My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
