remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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