omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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