if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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