you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
