Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Randomize
